Kindness ≠ Niceness

It is my mission to shift our perspective on kindness, the paradigm that kindness is weakness. Because it is not. Kindness is not weakness. You can be kind and powerful at the same time. For some reason, we have put kindness, love and compassion; which are the most beautiful attributes of us humans, in the corner of so-called soft sentimentality. And nothing could be further from the truth, to be kind, no matter what, is to be centred, balanced, aware and mature.

Let me first say to you what kindness is not. Kindness doesn’t equal niceness. Being nice is very different from being kind. When you are nice, that is taught behaviour. You are nice because that is the right thing to do. You are being nice out of conformity, nice to the old man on the bus, opening the door for a pregnant lady, …

Being nice is also fear-based. You are nice because you don’t want conflict. You are even nice to your rude boss, manager or spouse out of fear of not being a good person. At that moment, you are operating from a place of weakness indeed. Being nice, smiling out of fear to someone who is treating you disrespectfully is powerless. You are nice because you fear losing your job, you fear that your husband/wife might leave you and resentment starts piling up inside you even when you stay nice on the outside.

Kindness is very different. Kindness is a choice, kindness is entirely love based. When you are kind to a rude person, you know that the rudeness of the other person has nothing to do with you. You speak your truth in a kind way, if the other person chooses to be offended and angry, then that is their choice.

It requires self-discipline and a very strong sense of self-confidence and self-esteem to stay kind to a rude person, to stay outside the negativity of the unkind one, and to not be triggered by it. Kindness is a sign of a person who has dealt with his inner demons, his insecurities and old wounds, who has done a lot of personal work and has come to a great self-understanding, a deep compassion and wisdom.

Kindness is understanding. When someone is grumpy, and behaves in an unkind way to you, and you are kind anyway, the profoundness of that choice comes from understanding, seeing beyond the current state of mind of that person and getting in touch with his humanness.

Kindness is maturity; being the bigger person, seeing that only a hurting person hurts another person. I vividly remember reading this passage in ‘The interrupted Life’, the diary from Etty Hillesum who was a young Jewish woman during WWII in Amsterdam. On a certain day she had to face a screaming Gestapo. And instead of going into fear and judgement, she could look beyond his barking and shouting and asked herself: “Which horrible things made you this person full of hate and anger?”. Once we reach this level of maturity, once we move beyond action and reaction, and stay powerful in our kindness, the behaviour of someone else barely has any effect on us.

So, hopefully this gave you some insights on the difference between niceness and kindness and on the power of kindness.

Wishing you a wonderful day where you choose to be a role model of powerful kindness in a world who needs it so desperately.

Much love, Barbara